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About Literature / Hobbyist Ja-mesMale/United Kingdom Group :iconlitguilduk: LitGuildUK
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I'm lucky to have the privilege of belonging to a community in which works like this can be found. Reading this was a real immersion in...


You see, and exclaim: 'Who are you and what have you done with the REAL Ja-mes? Surely he wouldn't actually WRITE SOMETHING?!?' I hear you, but alas, it is true... 

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Ninety nine men stood outside.

‘For the love of God, Tog, come out here.’

One man was inside. If truth be told, he was cowering inside. He was cowering inside behind the bar of the tavern. He was doing this because there were ninety nine men standing outside… ninety nine men who needed a hundredth.

I went on polishing my glass, pretending that he wasn’t there.

It was all really rather funny, but I did my best to keep my smile hidden.

Three men came inside. I suppose that this meant that there were now ninety six men left outside.

Sometimes being the only man in the village who can count actually counts for something.

The three men were dressed as the guard always does; a plain, blackened ringmail vest sat under plain, blackened leather and over plain, blackened bellies and plain, blackened hair. Blackened through constant use, dirt, and oil. The three men approached me.

‘Rim, give me a break,’ the guard on the left said. ‘We’ve been looking for him for days.’

I ‘hmmed’ idly, glancing at him for a moment before returning to my glass.

The three guards were a prickly bunch. The tension mounted as the man in the middle shifted, letting his frustration show. The guard who spoke leaned forward, his hands resting on the surface of the bar, his arms widely spread as he moved into my line of sight.

‘Rim. Come on, mate. Don’t make this more difficult than it already is.’

I locked eyes with him. ‘I wish I could help you.’

I returned to my glass.

Another guard grabbed his colleague. ‘I say we stick him and get out. The bastard can’t have gone far, and this prick is asking for some-’

The third guard walked around their leader to place his hand firmly on his friend’s shoulder. ‘Cobbler! Shut up! We’re not sticking anyone, you miserable git!’

Cobbler shoved the arm away from him. ‘Don’t you go calling anyone names who you don’t intend to fight. Twat.’

I couldn’t take this. ‘If you’d like to take a look around, you’re more than welcome. If not, I got a tavern to run, and, quite frankly, you lot are scaring off my customers.’

Cobbler slowly turned to look at me as I spoke. ‘S’cuse me?’

I raised my eyebrows. ‘You want me to say it again?’

He stood there in silence.

‘Alright. I’ll use shorter words this time, so you’ll be sure to understand. Look around. For Tog. Or. Fuck off.’

Before I knew it, Cobbler had reached across the bar and yanked at my shirt, pulling me until I was an inch from his pock-marked face.

‘Say that again,’ he rumbled, ‘and I will skip out of here using your guts as a rope.’

Cobbler’s friends dragged him away, forcing him to let go of me, but not before he ripped my shirt.

The three guards and I stood for a few moments in silence.

‘Threaten me again,’ I said, ‘and I’ll show you how much I hate you blackguard cunts.’

Cobbler looked like he was about to hiss at me. He didn’t. Instead, he turned to leave.

‘Wait a sec.’

He stopped and glanced over his shoulder.

‘This shirt cost me fifteen copper.’

Cobbler turned around, his mouth hanging slightly open. The look on his face was magnificent. I may as well have told him that I had whored his mother.

Another guard loudly cleared his throat. ‘Of course. We will settle it. Apologies.’

I turned to Cobbler’s colleagues. ‘S’not you who should be saying sorry.’

It all happened rather quickly. The sound of a suppressed snigger shot up from behind the bar. The guard closest to the bar squinted at me, looked over the edge and saw Tog. Before he could say anything, I had clattered him across the face with the beer mug in my hand. Cobbler screamed and drew his sword, but not before I had vaulted over the bar, kicking the second guard to the ground as I did.

Cobbler hacked down with his blade.

I honestly do not know how he didn’t run me through there and then. Somehow, miraculously, I deflected the blow with the curved edge of the beer mug. I kept swinging the mug around, twisting it in midair. It made a hard, metallic impact with the side of Cobbler’s jaw. He clattered to the floor, smashing through a table as he did so.

I must have been quite the sight, really. Standing over three prostrate blackguard, wielding naught but my trusty beer mug. I spoke, not shifting my gaze from the spluttering, black-cloaked men.

‘You’ve gotta go, Tog.’

He stood up with a single quick movement. ‘You what?’

I stayed still. ‘I just assaulted three blackguard. I’m in some serious shit, you little prick.’

‘How is this my fault?’

One of the guards moved to get up. I kicked him the nose. He fell backwards, hit his head hard on the wall, and fell still. I snarled.

‘Just… fuck off, Tog.’

‘But I-’

I fixed him with a stare that fully communicated my mood. Tog gulped.

‘Alright. Alright. I’ll… go.’

‘The back door would be best.’

As soon as he left, the front door swung open to reveal the silhouettes of several other blackguard.

‘What’s going on here?’

I sprang to action.

‘Oh, good! There’s more of you. The guy you’re looking for just beat the hell out of these guys. He went that way! Out the back door!’
The Hundredth Blackguard
Hey! It's me! I'm totally alive! And stuff!

How busy life gets. Read with the knowledge that another piece will probably be a while away.

All the best to you and for you.




Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United Kingdom
I write as a hobby, and I must say I really enjoy it. I've been around Deviant Art for a while now, and have loved it since day one! I'm looking for (constructive!) criticism on a few pieces of my work. So no pictures (sorry...!), but an opportunity to exercise your imagination.
Hopefully we'll see some improvements over time.

DDs: 1…

DLDs: 2

Competition wins: 5………

An Interview With Ja-mes!


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This is a place for all who wish to donate towards my literary works here on Deviant Art. It's also the place to pop commission payments. Be generous, and hopefully I'll be able to do even more great work on this great site soon. Thank you!

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Hold the phone.

I've been to Romania this week, and got back yesterday. After returning to my place in old Brighton town, I logged on to find that Goggles in Mireview had been gifted a Daily Deviation by neurotype! My profile was awash with views, favourites, and so on.

July Literature DD Round Up:iconirrevocablefate:
Features by HugQueen 
          Solace by Medoriko Bo. by Silver-cLaw if you need help making it through the day by trembling-knees
Features by inknalcohol
Mr. Five by TheVoiceofMadness We Hold Hearts by ttbloodlusttt Te by ZetsubouDahlia What I gave you by WhitePlumFragrance Heart Sold. by Lady-Yume :thumb407777094: FACTORY DEMON FORKLIFT BATTLE by AntiMach :thumb451180477: .Red lips. by BlackRoseMew The Heart Necklace by Mimibert Cyclical love by comatose-comet Paradigm Shift by Jade-Pandora [transmissions of a dead girl] by crimsonletters Southern modernization by Emmaessence may as well buy another pack by creativelycliche The Coffee God by anapests-and-ink Bad Shot by CrumbledWings
Features by neurotype
Senryu Series 12 by Laurence55 The Interview by levi3o4 :thumb459736038: Visitor by sliverofciel KATRINA by KaitForest Margie by capricecake daughters by sunshinegypsy Palani by Augmented4th Parental Guidance by Rangavar :thumb4436160

This is so unexpected and sudden. I am stunned. I feel encouraged. And humbled. And happy. And grateful!

I haven't enjoyed this feeling for a long time...

If you haven't seen it yet, here is the piece in question:

Mature Content

It would be unjust not to vocalise my gratitude. A massive shout to those of you who have looked at Goggles in Mireview, read it, and commented/faved/enjoyed it.


That was my shout.

Also, I was invited to contribute Goggles in Mireview to CRLiterature's gallery. Thanks, guys! I am happy to. If you have the time, go check them out. I've joined.

Finally: I will try my best to thank everyone who comments and favs my work. I will also take a look at your profile if you start watching mine. I don't promise much, but I promise you that. It's the least I can do.

Keep scribbling!


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Add a Comment:
Jessabel Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2015  Professional General Artist
Thanks for watching me and buying my prints, I do remember and hope to see you at another convention soon!!
Ja-mes Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
BATTLEFAIRIES Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2015
Oh and thanks for Watching!
Ja-mes Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
No problem. You share my humour. :D
BATTLEFAIRIES Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2015
Why hurray! Bottoms up, friend :icontoastplz:
Ja-mes Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Strap that to a cat. Perpetual energy.
(1 Reply)
BATTLEFAIRIES Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2015
Thank you for Favouriting my work! This means you can now ask the Djinn ONE question --> 'Ask The Djinn' stamp by BATTLEFAIRIES <-- clicky clicky
The Djinn will answer truthfully and to the best of her considerate abilities.
Have fun (and come back often)!
RogueMudblood Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2015   Writer
Thanks so much for the :+devwatch:! :love:
Ja-mes Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
No worries. You're a great writer! :D
RogueMudblood Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2015   Writer
:blushes: Thanks for the compliment - it's truly appreciated. :)
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