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:iconja-mes:
It's quite difficult critiquing pieces which the writer has said are personal to them. I'm not sure if my opinions on the successes and flaws in this short work will offend you or not. I will try to be true to my feelings concerning the piece, but also as sensitive as I can be concerning any of your own thoughts, feelings, and emotions you've invested within it.

The pacing of the writing is good. You clearly understand sentence structure, and can communicate the story behind this character well: your grammatical knowledge is a benefit to your writing, not a drawback. Too often do we see writers on DeviantArt who require a wider vocabulary, or who need more practice with punctuation, and so limit themselves. No such problems exist here: you have gone for it. And for that I applaud you!

I like how the poem is spaced out. Having gaps between each line makes it easier to read, and subconsciously helped me take my time reading. It's a subtle thing, but I think it's significant.

Repeating the same sentence at the beginning and end of the piece gave the work a sense of coming full circle, as if you had explored every part of the character's mind - coming back to square one, as it were. I liked that a lot. As a reader, it gave me the feeling the character had held nothing back and been completely honest: no omissions honest.

Now for my suggestions as to how to improve this. I am little qualified to comment on the content itself, but I have noticed a few grammatical issues with the piece. Please note that I hold to my earlier statement: you clearly know your grammar well. Reading this is enough to convince me of that. My comments are on the more subjective elements of your choices of punctuation, things that other readers might not see.

Briefly: the impact of the same words being at the start of every line diminished as the work read on. It also detracted from the piece's originality - I've seen techniques like that before. You could have done something dramatically different for one line, impacting the reader further.

The main suggestion I have is about the consistency of your use of semi colons. In your main sentence, you use a semi colon perfectly well, balancing out the two main clauses:

Don't break her ; she's fragile.

That, I believe, is the main purpose of a semi colon. However, elsewhere in the piece, you use semi colons almost as a substitute for commas or colons (colons introduce the reader to the next clause, as opposed to balancing out both clauses in the sentence):

...still she trusts in everyone she meets; hopefully.

She’s been raped and abused; defiled and ruined by men

She’s stuck; trapped; alone; helpless; abandoned; confused; terrified.

I want to look at this last one more carefully. You introduce a list here. A colon introduces a list, not a semi colon. And the items on the list are separated by commas, not semi colons. Semi colons are only used in a list if the items in the list are more than one word.

For example, here's what I did today: I got up; I took the bus to campus; I spent all day trying to work a computer program that was confusing, pointless, and aggravating; and I then came home.

I guess, if there's any point to this, it's to reinforce the importance of knowing where's good to place appropriate bits of grammar. They are tools, and thus are most effective when used where and when they ought to be. Be sure to learn the apt places for semi colons through your reading. Having said that, with some punctuation, like semi colons, subjective reader interpretation does enter in a little, but the rules I specified above hold.

That might have been a little heavy. Let me assure you: I like this piece! It is emotive and well written, clearly influenced by personal experience. I hope, in some way, I have helped you view this piece with different eyes, for the sake of your writing's improvement.

All the best.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconaimeeraindrop:
AimeeRaindrop Jan 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, so much, for your comments on this piece. I know it is hard for people to critique something personal, but the personal pieces are the pieces I enjoy perfecting and tweaking and so I appreciate critiques on these more.

I definitely overuse semi colons, I kind of love them. But I do appreciate your comments on this and it will help me in tweaking the piece.

Once again, thank you so much. I will certainly be referring back to your comments on the piece when I come to edit it! :)
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:iconja-mes:
Ja-mes Jan 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Much obliged. Hope you're well. :la:
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